Why is life so hard…

My mom's boyfriend is selling his place and moving into mine. I hate this man more than anything. I'm trying not to cry as I write this.

To top things off I'm broke. I have no money. I'm flipping s***. I have nothing. My boyfriend fights with me every single day.

....I've been living away from home for a little bit. A few days ago I came back to check on the cats. I do this because I have a paranoia. My doctors told me I shouldn't worry about my cats, because they are in safe hands. But my gut feeling was right all along.

I came home to see my cat had a broken leg. My mother thought he was completely fine. He obviously is not. She cannot afford a trip to the Vet. My father cannot, either. I borrowed money from friends to take him the first time. Now he isnt better and needs to go back. There is no money.

My poor cat..

There's a bit gaping hole inside of me.

You’re a f***ing a****** and I hate every single thing about you. You’ve ruined my life and tore apart my family. You’ve caused such a rift between my father and my mother that my father has sworn never to speak to her again. I’m upset enough about you and your f***ing antics, as you called my behavior. I have the problems? Was I the one who tore the internet from the wall, dumped out my mothers drawers, and unplugged the whole computer? I don’t f***ing think so, Mr Wop. Get yourself together. Put your head on f***ing straight.
My day was bad enough without you. But now I am kicked out of my home, have to take afterschool courses because my damn college wants me to be a math wiz, my crazy boyfriend sent such a f***ing loving valentines day letter saying how much he hates me then broke up with me for getting upset, and, to top it off, everything I worked hard for this semester went down the f***ing tubes. Oh yay, I’m a chorus girl.

Again.

Ever date one of those guys that constantly fly off the handle? The type of guy where you do absolutely everything for and still that's not enough?

Meet Jason. Some say he's bi-polar. Others say he's just plain whacked. And here I am, always claiming "He's just having one of those bad days."

Now don't get me wrong, Jason does have his sweet side. Why would any girl waste their time with a guy whose terrible 24/7? So let's backtrack.

I, being the typical teenager, had my share of crushes and things along those lines. But the first time I fell in love, it was with a boy named Andy. Andy wasn't your typical boy. He had his share of…weird qualities. Mind you, he was cute, just not the sharpest tool in the shed. Now, we had only dated for a week short of 6 months, but I still felt I loved him, considering it took me 2 years afterwards to finally talk to him. We ended off those six months on a horrible note. I had found out he kissed my (extremely flirtatious) "friend" on Valentines Day because she was lonely. I had a feeling she had been trying to seduce him, which was later confirmed to me by Andy's best friend, Ichijo. It turns out her seduction must have paid off, because he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Fair enough. After I took my anger out on my "friend", it took her a few months to admit she was in love. But the object of her affection turned out to be me.

In a round-about turn of events I finally moved on from Andy, to a boy my friend had been dying to set me up with. This boy's name was Charlie. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, and immediately I was attracted. It seemed the same with him. But I chased him for a year, and I found he just played me along. I spent a year of my life being led on, only to have him get a girlfriend on my birthday.

That was one of the most difficult times of my life. I had become a wreck, to where my own sister didn't recognize me. My moods were off the wall, and I even pushed away my best friend. Luckily she accepted me back whole-heartedly, which I am still thankful for to this day.

I gave up trying to find love after that event. I just did my usual thing, and taught foreigners online the English language. I figured, why not help out people who want to learn? And that's where I met Jason.

Jason had sent me a message, asking me to help him. I had no problems, and we talked a little, but our conversations died out and we stopped communicating.

April Fool's Day came around, and every one of my friends knew I had a fascination with the country Jason happened to come from. I posted a status update claiming I was on a plane, on my way to that country. That's when Jason showed up again. He had commented on it, inviting me to come. Of course, I admitted to him it was only a joke, but a conversation sparked.

That conversation continued for weeks. I'd even be sitting in class, answering his messages instead of doing my work. I found myself really beginning to enjoy this company, though obviously not physically as…there is quite an ocean separating us. One day, out of the blue, he admitted he was in love with me. This absolutely shocked me. I asked "....are you sure? You know..my country takes that very seriously. At least, I rarely use it with anyone. I don't say that to boyfriends unless….I'd want to marry them." but Jason was adamant about his feelings. Slowly but surely, I began to feel the same. We began to unofficially date. No one had asked each-other out, but it just felt like we already belonged to one-another. He began to work 2 jobs, so he could come to visit me in the summer.

The first month was a breeze: Absolutely wonderful. Then the first fight happened. I was absolutely devastated, and I thought for sure the relationship was over. I didn't understand what it was we fought over, but nonetheless I was bothered. My best friend had talked to him, and he sent an apology email, admitting to me he had cried at work over me.

But then the fights kept coming, slowly becoming more frequent. And I found I was the one begging for him to come back. And he would always be less apologetic. He began to make demands, such as deleting the site we met on so no other man would message me. Removing old comments from friends on Facebook. Going through every single picture of mine and deleting any with any male friends. I'd constantly get so much stress from what he did to me.

Finally he broke up with me, during when my school was going to begin exams. I was so devastated from the loss that I became physically ill. I almost was unable to write my exams. I began to cry often, and even started continuously fainting and collapsing. I began counseling, trying to cope. I met another boy through a friend, named Harry. Immediately I thought Harry was cute, though I still was deeply in love with Jason. As Harry and I talked, I began to relax more. Every time I'd begin to feel sick or upset, Harry would call, and I'd find myself forgetting I even felt terrible, and the reason why. Harry's friend told me that Harry admitted he was really into me. That crushed me a little, because I knew I was into him a little, but that I still had feelings for Jason. But Harry's friend kept persisting in giving Harry a shot, because Harry was such a great guy who never had a good woman in his life and deserved happiness. With a blow of guilt to me, I began to cry, because I was being pressured into something at my most sensitive time. With the constant pressure, I gave in. I figured I at least had feelings for Harry, and since Jason wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and since it would make Harry and his friend happy, I would agree to start seeing him. To this day I don't classify it as "dating", or him being my "boyfriend" because we had never been on a single date, nor even kissed. I was simply interested in him, and he was simply interested in me.

Everything was off to a good start. I finally felt like maybe it was him I should be with. And that's when suddenly, Jason had to make his appearance. He sent me messages, begging for me to come back. He had no knowledge that I had begun seeing someone. He pleaded with me, saying he would die without me. I made a hard decision, and I hope anyone who reads this won't judge me by this. Somehow, him and I patched things up, and without telling Harry, I tried to make things work with Jason. I was under the complete impression I was not in a relationship with Harry, and I knew if Jason knew about Harry, he would never want me.

A friend was convinced I was in a relationship with Harry, and took it into her hands to make it seem like I was doing things with Jason (which was impossible, and something I wouldn't do. I know for a fact that's cheating) and told him. He went into a rage, and suddenly many people were angry at me. I can't blame them, since I found out he thought I was his girlfriend.

Anyway, Jason and I patched things up. But we'd constantly get into arguments again and again and again. I even was driven to feel suicidal to the point I was rushed to the hospital for prevention. I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication, to also stop the panic attacks I had begun to have every day.

Jason had done some things in his past before I was around that really upset me. I would normally never date someone who had done those things, but because it was him, although I cried so much, I tried to see past it. He called me and cried on the phone with me, telling me how much he regretted it.

When Jason is kind, he is the most amazing man. I love him with everything. But he gets upset very easily, and makes it seem like each time, he will leave me for good. I never seem to please him. And he gets nasty when he's upset. I've been called a slut, a "f***er", upon other things.

In this case, I feel trapped. I love him so much but…this type of relationship hurts. I've tried to talk about it, but he is sure he's done nothing wrong. That it's me.

I don't expect advice, because frankly, this is such a strange situation. What can you really say?

If anyone really bothers to read all of this….thank you. I guess I just needed to get it all out.

- K

When it comes to sex, that's a touchy subject. I, myself am almost at the age of adulthood, and so sex is a popular topic among my peers. I have never had it before. My mentality was, save it until I find someone I know I want to marry. Give him mine, and I'll have his. That way, it's a special exchange. That's how I always thought I wanted it to be. So when my sister said to me "I had sex with my boyfriend!" I suddenly lost so much respect for her. I couldn't look at her, because I thought "...what are you doing…". I questioned why she would at such an age, because chances are they wouldn't be together in the long-run. I also was completely turned off by any guy I once was interested in, if I found out they had sex before. How special could it be with someone who'se already done it?

Then I fell in love. He wasn't the best. We argued a lot, because our cultures are so different. Him, being raised in one country, and myself in another. But our love overcame that. And I finally thought to myself "..I wouldn't mind settling down with this man, and giving him my everything.". He then admits to me that he had sex two years previous. I was floored. I felt so sick I ran to the bathroom to throw up. All of my respect rushed out the window, and I sat on the floor questioning everything.

Are my beliefs just crazy? Why am I even waiting? No one else seems to?
Is it really all that special to still be a virgin until you're married?

Is it so wrong of me to be this upset?

I feel almost as if I'm receiving somebody's left-overs. They've gotten everything they want, so now they don't care who has him. Anything we do would just be meaningless to him.

You tell me it hurts you when I tell you I miss you. What the hell is this? Is it wrong of me to care about you? You tell me it doesn't bother you that I keep coming back to you when you leave me. But why are you getting so upset when I tell you how I feel? If it "hurts so much" then why the hell are we playing this game?

Jason was emotionally abusive. When we fought, he degraded me to no end. And yet I miss him with everything in me. I love him, regardless of how much of a bad person he is. I worked hard for his love, doing whatever I could possibly think of to make him happy. That wasn't enough. The restrictions he gave me were ridiculous. Don't take pictures with male friends was one of them. As strange as that was, I agreed. But he took pictures with females. So I began to take photos with my male friends again, out of jealousy. I worked so hard…..writing him 15 page letters….110 page books…..

He left me, and I lost him. Everyone says it's a good thing but….I don't know how to go on without him. It's only been one day, and yet I miss him so much. I don't miss his anger, and his constant fits. But I miss his sweet laugh, and talking to him. That nervous laugh he kept doing when he first called me on the phone. The cute nickname I would use for him, that he made fun of me for because I was nervous to say his name….

Jason I miss you. You're not perfect. I'm not perfect. I know you're not reading this but.

I truly love you. And I hope that you will realize that. And know that no other woman would put up with what you put me through and still stand by you. I miss you with everything, and I hope you will come back.

So when friends give advice to an upset friend, they do their best to make that friend feel good, right? Not Kei. He kept throwing insults at me, saying I was weak and cowardly. That I have to be the strong person and stop running away. I kept telling him he doesn't understand why I'm angry at Maddie. I couldn't tell him why. But regardless, he doesn't care the reason. He says it's no reason whatever it is that I can't be friends with her. Then goes on his insulting tangent. What he didn't know is hours previous, Jason had just dumped me and left me. So when I asked him to stop and he wouldnt, I walked out in tears.

I walked all the way home, which took an hour. Just randomly sitting outside someone's house crying on the street corner. And he has the nerve to tell my friend I'm being immature.

Legit. Maddie apparently can't figure out that I'm angry at her for hitting on Kei. She tells him her pity-party story that I'm so angry and she doesn't know why. Funny, because she didn't seem to question why I never showed up at her house. Never sent me any texts, or tried to talk to me. So obviously she knew I was angry, and I'm sure she knew why.

And yet I love how I asked Kei to chill, and he's too busy. Yet he's at Maddie's house later. Am I some sort of virus to him? He can't hang with me alone, but her is not a problem? Do I smell jail-bait?

Jason pretty much just wiped the floor with my feelings. I'm already trying to cope with that, and the fact my doctor doesn't feel its necessary to give me the correct dosage of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Which is rather funny, considering I'm taking them to prevent such things, but the low dosage is barely doing a thing. Very smart, doctor. Very smart. It took two hospital trips for the hospital to convince you I needed it in the first place.

Kei, I can't tell you my feelings. And I can tell it wouldn't be a good relationship anyway. Look how much you've hurt me already. You've made me cry over thoughtless comments. You don't think.

Jason, I love you with everything, but your emotional abuse is hard and heavy. I can't keep up any longer with it. You say I'm disgusting and never change, but you don't do anything to try to make our relationship possible. I wrote you a 15 page letter. I made you a 110 page book even while you were pissed off at me. What have you done for me? I love you, why can't you see that?

There is only one person in this world who has never f***ed me over. Kathrine, you have always been there for me. If it weren't for you, I would probably not be alive today. I know we go through rough patches, and I know Maddie caused us some hardships, but everyday I'm thankful to have you in my life. Thank you for being the amazing best friend that you are.